I view each day as an opportunity to say thank you. First, I thank my Heavenly Father for giving my mother the strength and sense of mind to leave me in a safe place (instead of alone and unknown in a less safer place) and I thank my parents, the people who fell in love with me on sight and choose me out of all the others to become one of their own. My parents worked overtime to live up to their commit-ment, providing us with plenty of food, a nice home, and all the clothes we needed. My mother even jokes that one day, instead of bringing me home the usual five dresses, she brought me two and I had the nerve to complain, "Where's the rest of my dresses?"

Yet, what was lacking was the ongoing bonding that ties a family together at heart. I was raised in a foster home full of children, children that I loved and considered family. Seeing these foster children come and go and eventually leave forever caused me to develop a deep sense of loss. My parents recognized this but did not have the tools or patience to deal with these issues. I remember my mother suggesting that since I felt lonely I should get a dog to help me "get over it". It goes without saying that a dog didn't "fix me" and my grief went on to become full-blown depression. As I grew, left the nest, and had my own children, I repeated the cycle proving that adoptive families have the same issues as biological ones: it's not blood that binds parents and children it is the quality and energy that is put into the relationship.

This is an issue that is especially close to the heart of Tony Oliver, founder of ROOTS Adoption agency. When asked how adoptive parents can create an open, flourishing relationship with the new member(s) of the family she suggests,

Toni Oliver wrote:

Pristine, your feelings are consistent with those of children and adults who have been in foster care or adopted. Everyone who is involved in finding families for children get so excited when placements are made that we often overlook the importance of helping foster and adoptive parents understand that adoption is a life long process. Your depression was and is most likely a trigger reaction that works like this. Children have come into your life the same way that you came into the life of your adoptive parents. As a child, you expect that they, like you will stay. When they don't, you are subconsciously reminded that you were once left for someone to find and take care of. But will they be so lucky? You are also reminded that there can be people who are very close to you and to whom you are very attached who can disappear from your life and never be seen again.

The bonding that you speak of goes two ways. You may find it difficult to attach to others because of your fear that they may some day disappear. On the other hand, adoptive and foster parents can overlook the importance of helping children attach and do grief and loss work because from the parent's perspective, they have done all of the things and more to "show" the child how much they are loved. Here is where adoptive and foster parents and their agency workers need to realize that love is not enough. As good and perfect as an adoptive placement may be, adoption brings with it a hole that is not filled by love, gifts, trips, and good times. The love that is definitely there on both sides cannot answer an adoptee's who am I question. Most often, that can only be answered by actual face-to-face contact with birth family who can look at you and you at them and see where you got that nose, or eyes, or build. When that is and is not possible, it is helpful to seek out a social worker or therapist who is experienced in working with people who have been in foster care and/or adopted because you need to explore all of your feelings without fear of being thought of as selfish or ungrateful or fear of hurting a family member's feelings.

Adoptive parents as well as adoptees need to do the work that is necessary to become comfortable with the reality of loss, separation and attachment. Fortunately, ROOTS and may other adoption agencies today recognize that importance and prepare rather than screen prospective adoptive parents because we recognize that successful parenting has little to do with the number of bedrooms or the amount of a salary. Successful parenting has everything to do with a person's ability to help children overcome loss, develop healthy attachments, develop a positive self-concept, and understand that adoption is a life long process that affects adoptees at each stage of their developmental life stage. Adoption is a most positive experience and the more we know about what makes it work well, the better the outcome for all involved.